The Year Ahead, Probably
It's New Year's Eve, and as is traditional, here are my PREDICTIONS FOR 2026…
JANUARY
Fears grow for the health of President Trump as it is noticed that the bruising on his right hand has spread to his left, the severe swelling of his feet and ankles has spread to his head, his narcissistic personality disorder has spread to his wife and his illiteracy and sadism have spread to his party.
FEBRUARY
Nigel Farage complains in the strongest possible terms to the Press Ombudsman after reading a newspaper article that isn’t about him. The paper in question devotes its next six issues to full-page back to back apologies to Mr Farage while the editor ritually disembowels himself in Parliament Square.
MARCH
After declaring “irreconcilable political differences” with his right kidney, Jeremy Corbyn’s left kidney announces that it is resigning in order to form an independent renal system of its own.
APRIL
After massive gains for the Green Party and the Lib Dems at the local elections are hailed throughout the media as yet more clinching proof of the inevitability of Reform’s rise to power, Zack Polanski changes his name to Nigel Farage “because I might as fucking well”.
MAY
Sir Keir Starmer denies that his days as Prime Minister are numbered, despite the installation of a huge digital clock at Labour HQ counting down the “Days Till We Get Rid Of Keir”.
JUNE
Having fired yet another architect from his $300 million White House “Ballroom” project, President Trump announces a rethink; rather than a single rectangular ballroom, he now wants two huge domed circular “ballsrooms”, and maybe some kind of tower or steeple, for no particular reason.
JULY
The full unredacted Epstein Files are finally released, and it turns out it was all a big misunderstanding, he wasn’t a sex trafficker at all, he was just this nervous little Jewish guy who used to manage The Beatles, and he never did anything remotely paedophilic (apart from maybe that one time in the Cavern when he playfully swatted George’s arse, thinking it was John).
AUGUST
As a welcome relief from all the woke lefty comedy at the Edinburgh Fringe, GB News announces the “Unleashed” award for the anti-woke comic who does the best version of the only fucking joke any of them ever do.
The winner is Ed Behindtheeyes with his hilarious “So I suppose I can identify as a horse then can I?” narrowly beating out runner-up Simon Killmenow with his “So I suppose I can identify as a sense of foreboding then can I?”, and third-placed Norman Watt-HaveIdonewithmylife with his own original spin, “So I suppose I can identify as Graham Linehan then can I?”
SEPTEMBER
Nigel Farage refuses to apologise for the series of bizarre grammatical errors in his Reform Party conference speech, insisting that it all made perfect sense in the original Russian.
OCTOBER
After the routed Russian army’s final retreat from Ukraine, a grateful politburo presents Vladimir Putin with his 74th birthday gift: a 20th storey Moscow penthouse with breathtaking views of the bridges over the Moskva, and windows that don’t close properly.
NOVEMBER
After ICE’s remit is expanded to include “Poll Invigilation”, the Republican Party, despite record-low approval ratings, wins massively in the Midterms. The GOP takes back the House and wins all 100 Senate seats, amid widespread reports of voter intimidation, ballot-stuffing and murder.
The Democratic Party leadership declare “we’re not gonna take this lying down,” before lying down and taking it.
DECEMBER
During the dedication of the White House Christmas tree, President Trump finally loses all structural integrity and dissolves into a pile of decomposing organs. These are hurriedly scooped up into a plastic sack by Secret Service agents and taken to Walter Reed Hospital; later in the day press secretary Karoline Leavitt announces that the President is looking forward to continuing to serve the American People in this new disincorporated form.
As the new Presidential Golden Bucket is installed behind the Resolute Desk, Steve Doocy declares on Fox & Friends, “I don’t care if he IS a trash bag full of offal, he’s still my President.”